I tried the 12-steps programs for years, I had a new "clean date" every week or so. The last time I tried stopping using the 12-step method I stopped on July 14th (7/14) I was so sure that I would really do it that time... I have the numbers 7:14 tatooed on my arm.

Well, 3 weeks later I was using again. And now had this tattoo that meant absolutley nothing. So, instead of having it covered up or removed, I decided to find meaning that I could attach to it.

So... I begin to search the bible...I was blown away!!

There are 7 different books in the bible that I found where the 14th verse is soemthing that really spoke to my heart, and those 7 verses basically address Gods love and salvation.

They are:

II Chronicals 7:14
ECCLESIASTES 7:14
Isaiah 7:14
Daniel 7:14
Matthew 7:14
Mark 7:14
Revelation 7:14

Now 7:14 is not only tattooed on my arm but in my heart as well.

"v3rax" is my way of spelling "VERAX", I just use the "3" becasue in the online gaming world a "3" is the same as an "e". I have been using this handle for over 10 years on games, forums, and plan to use it as my name when I publish my book.

"verax" is LATIN for "truth" I had this handle long before I ever used crack and before the crack I always prided myself in integrity. Honesty and constantly seeking and appying truth was very important to me. Once I started using honestly became non-existent. I even thought at one point when I was using about throwing out the name since it meant nothing anymore, but decided to keep it and now that I am clean I am once again working everyday to live a life of "truth" or "verax"

"We will find truth treasures in life when we maintain freedom from crack cociane."

"Dig deep for truths"

"Commit to seeking truths"

"You will find them if you diligently and eagerly look for them...AND then apply them once they are presented to you."

Truth is what finally brought me to my knees begging God to show me a way out of the crack madness. Crack did nothing but lie to me for 4 years.

It had me believe I could do it "every now and then" and be ok.

It had me believe that I MUST have it to feel normal.

It had me believe that I could eventually control my overwhelming desire to have it and once I did, I could use without losing anything else.

It had me belive that it was OK to use it becasue I deserved it.

It had me belive that I couldn't stop wanting it so I might as well keep doing it.

It had me believe that God had given up on me.

ALL LIES! yet these lies kept me in the madness for 4 years.

The word "Verax" is Latin and comes from the word "Veracity" which means "truth" I have been using "Verax" as an alias on forums, chatrooms, online gaming, e-mail names, etc.. for almost 10 years. At one time in my life, before crack obviously, I prided myself in integrity. Telling the truth and consistently persuing truth was part of who I was.

When crack came along it stole that from me. It changed my character and took one of my most cherished character traits. Then it ripped "truth" out of my heart and set me down a path of deciet and false hope.

When a person is using crack.... veracity is virtualy impossible. I suppose, and this is not a profound statement, just fact....it is becasue satan is the father of lies. How can a person have truth in their life if they are possessed by crack cocaine???

Now that I am clean I seek truth. Not just being an honest person, although that is a top priority, but also diligently and eagerly persuing truth in everyting I do, think, and say.

Each time I learn a truth (i.e. crack cocaine will take over you mind, body and soul and have you doing the un-thinkable and hurting not only yourslef but those close to you.) I have to use that true statement to attack crack instead of believing the lie that "I am not one to be controlled so that wouldnt happen to me."

Everytime I failed at recovery in the past it was becasue I believed the crack lies... and I didn't apply truth in order to fight off the lure.

There are millions of truths that we can use as weapons against the lies of crack, but the bottom line for me is:

Truth: God is holy - Satan is evil

Lie: Crack is just a drug it won't control me.

Proverbs 12:22 says:

"Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, But those who deal faithfully are His delight."

I think at this point in my life I much rather be a "delight" to my creator than an "abomination"

I will admit that I still get cravings. Sometimes those cravings are overwhelming and if I were not in a situation where I had no access to money and were alone, I quite possibly might give in to those cravings and beleive the lie that I can go a head and do it "One more time"

That was the biggest lie satan told me whenever I would get 20, 30, or 40 days clean... go ahead....just do it "One more time" and then you can stop....and I believed it over and over.

He still tried to use that one on me, and I suppose its becasue it worked so many times in the past, but now I can't belive that lie or any of the millions of lies associated with crack.

Seeking truth (crack is evil, bad, wrong, deadly, etc..) and then using that truth to apply action in order to fight off the lies that tempt me is the weapon that will keep me alive and crack free for as long as crack continues to treat me like a weak idiot crack-head.