One of my favorite songs, and it was long before I used crack is "Thats what faith must be" by: Michael Card.

To hear with my heart
To see with my soul
To be guided by a hand I cannot hold
To trust in a way that I cannot see
That's what faith must be

Everytime I listen to this song I cry because it reminds me just how much God wants us to trust and believe in Him and that His love is more than sufficient.

My biggest problem is knowing when trusting God and "letting go" is ok, and when trusting God and still doing my part is ok. Sometimes it can be a fine line. God expects us to do out part, but we have to know when to "let go" and leave it in His hands.

As I continue this journey to freedom from crack my eyes are being opened to so many things I use to overlook, take for granted, and believe were just not as important as my over accessive personality.

Freedom from crack is my overall destination, but finding my character flaws and insufficencies along the way are now becoming just as important.

**Afterall, I didnt't just wake up one morning and decide,

"Hey, I think I will give crack a try today!"

No, it was because I had character flaws that I was not dealing with.

I use to pride myself in having great character and integrity. My nickname that I use "verax" or "veraxitas" is Latin for "Seeking truth in everything, or a journey to truth."

As I grow older I am beginning to discover things about myself, things I...., well....tried to ignore, or find an excuse for why I was not truly living up to the name. "Michael" is the name that my parents gave me. It means "Like God" haha, if only....if only ..

One thing I have discovered is that I have spent my whole life trying to be everything to everybody. Why? I don't really know. One of the reasons I became a teacher was becasue I wanted to save the world. I worked in an alternative school teaching kids that everyone else had given up on. All along I said I was doing it becasue of admirable character, but the truth is, I was doing it becasue I wanted a pat on the back....I was trying to be something that nobody else wanted to be so I could feel good about myself and authenticate my self imposed good character.

When I couldn't reach every child in that school it hit me hard and I begin to drink. When I felt like I wasn't living up to the Superman image I tried to portray, I begin to look for something that would help me to NOT WORRY about it. As long as I was sober I worried...

I wanted to be the best at everything I did. Be #1. Be everything to everybody..and in a lot of respects I was, but somewhere along the line I felt I couldn't live up to the self imposed expectations and needed soemthing that would help me forget about it.

For years I searched and one night I discovered crack. When I smoked crack I didn't worry about being responsible. When I was sober I wanted to be the most responsible person alive.

When I smoked crack I didn't worry about being dishonest, when I was sober, I wanted and tried to be the most believable person anyone could know.

When I smoked crack, I didn't worry about being accepted. When I was sober, I wanted everyone to like me, trust me, count on me, accept me, and most of all love me unconditionally.

Years of putting that kind of pressure on myself to be the perfect son, perfect father, perfect husband, perfect employee, perfect teacher, perfect friend and perfect human being took its toll on me and when I found crack..all that pressure was gone.

I smoked crack for almost 5 years and I can honestly say that the first 3 years I didn't put pressure on myself to be anything. But the last 2 years ushered in the return of guilt and pressure to be that "perfect" man again. But now, it was even harder becasue I was a crack-head...

As I go through each day I learn more about this person called "Mike Johnson" and sometimes I still do not like what I see. Even in my new found safety away from crack and my new found faith, I am still very insecure.

I still try too hard to get acceptance. I still work too hard to be "perfect" and the thing that has become so very clear to me today is that I only have myself to blame for this.

The Bible tells us,

James 3:5,6-

"THE TONGUE IS A LITTLE MEMBER, AND BOASTETH GREAT THINGS. BEHOLD, HOW GREAT A MATTER A LITTLE FIRE KINDLETH! AND THE TONGUE IS A FIRE, A WORLD OF INIQUITY: SO IS THE TONGUE AMONG OUR MEMBERS, THAT IT DEFILETH THE WHOLE BODY, AND SETTETH ON FIRE THE COURSE OF NATURE; AND IT IS SET ON FIRE OF HELL."

I am human and as most humans do, we are always looking for "reason"

*There must be a reason I feel this way
*There must be a reason I did what I did.
*There must be a reason.......

We look for someone to blame. We, well, "I" have seldom looked within myself for "reason"

There is no "reason" it is only ME... I have to learn to deal with "ME" and not worry about everyone else.

I know that God accepts me. I know that God loves me. I know that God wants whats best from me, and I know that although God wants me to be perfect, He doesnt require it in order to recieve His love.

God has given me the knowledge and resources I need to be a better son, husband, father, and man.

It is up to "ME" to use the tools and resources I have recieved to grow as a human being and continue to enjoy freedom from crack. Freedom from ever again feeling I need a to be anything more than just "MIKE",

Mike Johnson, the crack-addict who, by the Grace of God and help from friends and loved ones discovered that I no longer need to "search" for what is missing in my life.

I no longer have to be anything more than a good person who wants to use my life experiences to help others and then "Trust God" to produce results, not MIKE.

I no longer have to"search," for something that has been there all along.

Unconditional love and acceptance from the creator of us all.

Insecurity, worry, self-pity, fear, loneliness, and the list goes on and on...are nothing but wasted emotions and if I give satan the chance, he will use them against me and I am right back where I started from.

Faith in Mike "Trust in a way I can not see!"