My probation officer once told me after I had come up dirty on my urine test for the 3rd time in two months, "Mike, you just don't want to stop using."

"WHAT!!??, I sure as hell do! I want to stop so bad I can taste it," I said. "Well, if you really wanted to stop, you would." she replied.

For some morbid reason I wish I had kept track of all the times I actually said, "ok, this is the last time, I am done smoking crack cocaine." Unfortunately I didn't keep track of it but I know in the 4 years I used, I must have said that at least 200 times.

That isn't an exaggeration either..I actually said those very words 3 weeks after the first time I tried it. Then every week, sometimes twice a week for the next 4 years. Looking back now, I still think I honestly wanted to stop, but now I know it wasn't my true "hearts desire". I was reserving a small place in my heart that allowed me to return to it if I couldn't handle the cravings and then justified it by saying it was a disease.

Over the 4 years I used, many people asked me, "Why can't you just stop?" Ha...if they only knew...its just not that simple...a crack-head taught to believe that he has a disease and must live with it for the rest of his life doesn't really have much incentive to fight something such as crack with the non-effective arsenal of tools they are given.

However, I now know and firmly believe, NO PROGRAM, no matter what or how great it is..will work unless the crack-head doing it has made the "choice" to (attack) crack and make it thier "hearts desire" to stop the madness.

So, its really as simple as this.

(IF YOU TRULY WANT TO STOP SMOKING CRACK YOU CAN IF YOU MAKE IT YOUR HEARTS DESIRE TO ATTACK IT.)


When I kept failing in the 12-Step programs they kept telling me that the reason I was failing is because I wasn't doing Step #1 100%. Ok, here it is:

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable."

Well, A. I do not have an alcohol problem...oh, but you do Mike, your an addict..you do have an alcohol problem...ok, ok...and a red corvette addiction too, but that still doesnt explain to me why I can't stop using crack! How is it that you feel I am not doing step #1 100%?

B. Yes, I admit I am powerless..duh..thats a no brainer.. and it doesnt take Dr. Phil to convince me that my life has become unmanageable....So?? How is it that I am not working the step 100%??? Somebody please TELL ME!!!

Four years these "experts" highly trained and educated in addictionology and human weakness told me that the only reason that I kept failing is because I hadn't worked Step #1 the way it was suppose to be wokred.....OMG!!! I can not belive I bought into that crap! Ok, ok....I am an alcoholic...even though it makes me puke...I am powerless..completely and totally powerless...get me a wheelchair....is that what you mean?

In four years nobody told me that crack cocaine was NOT like any other drug...Nobody told me that crack was an evil possession, that crack cocaine must be attacked using faith is GOD...that is G-O-D "The God" not an orange or a doorknob. Go to meeting listen to the same sob stories day after day..listen to people tell me I am doomed to live with this disease all my life but as long as I call my sponser who is also an "alcoholic" I will be ok???

Well, I now know that gaining freedom from crack cocaine is quite simple.. in the "mechanical" sense. But the "MOST IMPORTANT, #1 thing that will get anyone started on the path to crack freedom and KEEPS us moving forward and not taking any off ramps for twinkies is to truly WANT to stop and MAKE IT YOUR HEARTS DESIRE"