| Chapter Ten |
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| Written by Mike Johnson |
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Chapter 10
Goodbye Darkness I wrote the following letter shortly after getting out of rehab that first time. Although I meant every word, I would continue to follow the same path for years to come. “Goodbye to Darkness”
By: Mike Johnson Hello Evil one: I am writing this letter to you to inform you that our friendship is officially over. Not that you really care, but I find it necessary to write this letter in order to get some closure and begin my new life with a peaceful heart. I have to hand it to you; you are very smart and cunning. You have so many tools and accomplices at your disposal. Things like alcohol, drugs, and lust just to name a few. I mention these because they are what you used to seduce me into our relationship. I have asked myself a thousand times, “how could I have been so stupid, so naive, so weak?” I suppose your plethora of names explains it all. You know, things like, “The Great Deceiver,” “The Adversary,” The Great Tempter.” “Ruler of Darkness,” and the most common of all, “Satan.” I suppose that in the grand scheme of things, our short relationship is just a “blink” in time, seeing how you have been deceiving and seducing people since the beginning of time. It all started back in “The Garden of Eden,” when you tempted “Eve” disguised as a serpent. Some say you used an apple. Some say an orange. I honestly believe it was crack cocaine because she lost all ability to think clearly due to your deception. It amazes me how you can use beauty, euphoria, and laughter to your advantage. I mean, that’s how you got me to follow you around like a “mindless idiot.” Your tools of destruction lured me in and lead me down the path of insanity.Alcohol, lust, and drugs took a hold of me and I began to forget whom I really was. Eventually I allowed you to take total control of me. You made me thirst for more. More of what, I wasn’t sure at first, but I knew I needed something I didn’t have. There was this “black hole,” a void, an emptiness I couldn’t explain; then along comes the great seducer, as the bible says, “You search the earth as a roaring lion seeking who you might devour. Well, devour me you did. In my time of weakness, you introduced me to your good buddy alcohol. I met with him frequently and at times he did fill the void and provided me with temporary comfort and laughter. You introduced me to him at an early age. Off and on for years we would socialize together and we became close. Although alcohol made me feel better and helped me to relax, I always felt I was in control and I would tell him goodbye at the first sign of vulnerability. Little did I know, you were setting me up for more “blind insanity.” Alcohol and I began visiting bars together and I even drove frequently under his influence. I bet you both had a lot of laughs about that one. Fortunately, someone was looking over me because I never got caught or got in an accident due to this stupidity; however, I am sure it was only a matter of time. As my relationship with alcohol became more serious, you decided the time was right to introduce me to another of your evil assistants, “lust,” alcohol’s best friend. The three of us began going to strip clubs, “at the suggestion of lust,” and I was more than willing to listen to her because alcohol said it was ok. Lust really took a hold of me and I began to do things I never dreamed I would do. It started with watching the strippers and lusting after them. It didn’t seem to bother me that I was married. Hell, I liked it so much I invited alcohol and lust to join me at these places on a frequent basis, spending money on lap dances like there was no tomorrow. It was fun, to be sure, but deep inside something was reminding me that it was wrong. As the feeling of loosing control increased, I tried to stop, but you were much stronger and I continued the insanity. I hated to admit or even accept that you were stronger. I mean, I am an intelligent guy. I graduated from college, I was in the military for ten years; I even have two black belts. How could I NOT be in control! I still believed that if I wanted to stop bad enough I could. Unfortunately, I didn’t want it bad enough because we kept hanging out and I am sure you were loving every minute of it. As my strength and confidence dwindled and your power over me increased, I began to walk, “No Run,” deeper into your forest of darkness and confusion. After a while, alcohol and lust just weren’t enough, I was once again feeling I needed more. You knew just when to pounce too, and in November of 2003 you sent “cocaine” to seduce me. Oh, I had heard of her before, many times, and it was all negative, but that didn’t matter to me at the moment we met. You were working overtime on this one. Using your evil partner “lust” as a tool, you had her seduce me into trying it. I had my reservations. I even remember saying to the lovely women, “isn’t this that stuff that people can get hooked on after only one hit?” “No, no,” she said in a seductive voice holding the crack pipe to her sexy lips. I remember thinking that I had a choice not to do it, but alcohol convinced me it would be ok. “Your strong,” he said, “you can control this.” I still wasn’t completely convinced until lust spoke up and made me forget all logic and reason. Yep, alcohol got me feeling pretty good, then he invited crack to join the party and when lust moved in for the kill I couldn’t wrap my lips around that pipe fast enough. I was helpless, totally controlled by “lust.” I took that first hit and “Hello Crack,” Eureka! I though I had just found heaven. I had finally found something to fill that void, because all I was feeling was euphoria and all was well in the world. I had never felt this good before and I didn’t want to loose that feeling, “More, more!” I screamed.” I need more.” We partied together for hours, and I must admit, I surrendered myself to her heart, mind, and soul. I had just found my new best friend. She was just a little white rock, but she made me feel like superman. The best part was that alcohol and lust didn’t seem to mind that I had made crack my new best friend as long as they could tag along once in a while too. I was more than willing to accomadate them in any way I could. For the next few months crack and I were inseparable. When she did leave after an all night of indulgence and mindless entertainment, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t work, I couldn’t live. I needed her so badly I would go to any length to bring her back again. The weird thing was that she became cunning and the more I used her the more I wanted her. Before long I had to search for her because she started playing “hard to get.” I didn’t mind, but I needed help finding her. Once again, you came through. You sent me more of your friends and helpers. Remember? You sent, “lies, cheating, stealing, irrational thought and powerlessness.” I used them to the fullest to find my beloved crack in the darkest of places. They made me feel invincible as I lost all consciences of consequences and set out daily to find her again and again. The more we played together, the more I needed her and alcohol and lust were always easy to find and always willing to join in the fun. All along you sat there all high and mighty knowing that you had me right where you wanted me, “sick, helpless, mindless, and addicted.” I was your puppet and totally surrendered to crack’s plan to slowly kill me. Then, something you didn’t plan on happened. It came very early in our relationship in comparison to the countless others you have outwitted, but it came nonetheless. You remember, it was a cool January day, a little over six weeks since crack walked into my life and seduced me into oblivion. Oh yeah, you remember. I would still like to refresh your memory. Alcohol, lust, crack, and I were having a little party, minding our own business when along came one of your biggest enemies, “justice.” He walked right up to my car window and knocked….hard! Me, being totally out of my mind due to the influence of alcohol and crack, opened the window. He stood there like a giant and his mere presence made me shake with fear. However, I was so high I honestly thought I could talk my way out of it. I mean, alcohol and crack had never let me down before; they would help me in this time of need. Well, it didn’t quite work out that way; they all just stood there. All my best friends who had stood by me for the past few months deserted me in my time of need. They left me all alone, exposed for what I had become, a weak, mindless, alcoholic, drug addict with no excuse. I had no choice but to surrender. Justice immediately introduced me to two of your other partners, “fear and shame,” but they weren’t fun like alcohol, lust and crack. Justice had scared away those friends and now HE was in control. After doing his duty he released me and let fear and shame go with me. I didn’t want them to come but they came anyway. As we drove away something came over me and I was soon introduced to your good buddy, “panic.” He showed me what my life had become and introduced me to an uncertain future. Uncertain, but sure to be less than joyful. It was a whirlwind trip that took me to deaths front door. I stared death right in the face and for the first time in my life began to think death wouldn’t be so bad considering the circumstances. How could I face those that loved me? How could I face myself? Maybe death was the only answer. I continued to dwell on this for the next few hours, which led to that heart attack and total collapse. You had me heart, mind and soul. I didn’t realize at the time that maybe this was a good thing. While lying in the hospital, someone else began to work on my heart. I couldn’t tell whom at first, it was very hazy. All I know is that I started to see my life in the past few weeks, no years for the insanity that it was. I started seeing the faces of those that loved me and I didn’t want to die anymore. I wanted to fight and I cried out for help but no one was listening. I was all-alone and the fear and shame was unbearable. I was dead, but still breathing. Now, one would think that this series of events in that 24-hour period would be a wake up call and I would run as fast as I could away from you and your friends. Ha, not me, I was still hooked. When the remorse began to fade and I knew I wasn’t going to die from heart failure, I began to search for my disloyal buddies once again. Sure, they left me in my time of need, but the fun we had far out weighted the desertion. I would welcome them back with open arms if I could only find them. Well, it didn’t take long. Alcohol was the easiest; he was hanging out waiting for me right down the street at grocery store. I picked him up and after partying for a short while he gave me the courage to return to the dark and dangerous alley where “crack” was waiting with “lust” and “insanity.” Oh, I knew that I was taking a big risk going there. I could have met up with “justice,” “death,” and eventually the “Grim Reaper” but I didn’t care, I had once again lost total control. We were off to the races once again. Then, the unexpected happened. A prayer from someone was answered. I began to feel what I was doing was seriously wrong. As the conviction grew I finally surrendered to it and went to my wife. I told her everything and pleaded with her to forgive me. Well, she had “compassion and forgiveness,” you know, those two enemies of yours. The power of her will made me realize I couldn’t quit this on my own. I needed help to break away from your chains of destruction. I was ready to tell all my party buddies so long. I didn’t need them anymore. Well, I did need them “just one more time.” So, I called all my buddies, alcohol, lust, crack, and a new friend, “paranoia” together for one last hoorah. Then after partying all night, I threw them all out the window and checked into rehab. At this point I was ready to leave you and your friends behind, but you weren’t as ready as I was. No, you threw a few more curves my way. You had a few more weapons in your arsenal. As I walked through those rehab doors, I was introduced to “doubt” and although I had met him before, he appeared stronger than ever and brought “shame” and “hypocrisy” with him. They really worked on me for the first few days and after a week I left. Just when I was about to give up hope, I heard something I hadn’t heard in a long time. It started out faint, but as I searched my soul for this still small voice, it became louder and then a calm came over me. I listen… The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. The weight on my shoulders began to lessen. I was being told that I wasn’t at fault. I wasn’t a bad person after all. Sure, “doubt” tried to talk me out of believing this but I told him to get lost. “Shame” put in his two cents worth but he got the boot too. All at once I began to realize I had spent the better part of my life with the wrong crowd, and especially with the wrong master, that’s you, in case your wondering “Mr. Prince of Darkness. Oh you think you are cleaver and cool and I have to hand it to you, you really had me going for some time. Well, that joy ride is over, and by the way, not that you need to be reminded, but I have done a lot more reading of God’s word over the past few weeks. Yes, I read it all the way to the end. You know, that part in the back where YOU LOSE! To be continued........... |
